Monday, March 24, 2014

Cannonball

Why has no one remade the Cannonball Run?  I don't really want it to be remade but you would think by now it would have happened.  Jonah Hill as Captain Chaos.  Daniel Craig as Roger Moore.  Norm MacDonald as Burt.  Come on, do I have to think of everything!

Jackie Chan can play himself.  

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Awkward times with the house keeper

My friend Bruce went out of town and he asked me to check in on his dogs if I had time. Yes, I really have a friend named Bruce. He was born in 1951 so I think it's an acceptable name, but what do I know, I have a friend born in 1951. Bruce really didn't care if I checked in on his dogs since his house keeper Elma would be staying there, but I used the excuse to get out of my own home, eat someone else's food and poop in a strange place. I was really planning on it being a relaxing afternoon.

I got there around noon and there was no sign of Elma. I figured this was a good thing as she might take offense to me rummaging through Bruce's family heirlooms. What I didn't realize was Elma probably hadn't been there in days. The dogs were sitting on piss covered mats in their crates. After coming to their rescue and cleaning them up I decided to take a piss myself and get out of there. I walk into the bathroom and that's when my brain exploded. Elma's things were spread out all over the counter. Shampoo, Conditioner, nail clipper, vibrator with a remote so large it might as well have been made by Futaba. That's right, vibrator, just laying on the counter. It wasn't even on a napkin. I now know how she cleans! I am still kicking myself for not taking a picture. I looked it over closely, laughing, thinking this is much worse than my house keeper seeing my dick a few months ago. I emailed Bruce to let him know what was going on. He seemed disinterested in the vibrator portion of my story and was just concerned with the dogs. Then again his name is Bruce so who knows.

Best day ever!


Thursday, August 29, 2013

The action never stops

When I was 15, my mother gave my brother the keys to the Corolla to take me and Jake to Action Park for a little Hep C water park fun.  I will never forget seeing a kid being taken out on a stretcher with his parents following in tears.  My brother looked at the kid who clearly had a twisted testicle and just broke out in the theme song for the park:

The action never stops, at Action Park!

Best day ever!!


The Most Insane Amusement Park Ever - Part 1 of 2 by insane-amusement-park

Monday, August 26, 2013

What's my niche?

So last Friday was my big shot at the majors.  WWTDD.com called me in for a "meeting." I love using quotes.  There was no discussion of what the meeting was about so I assumed it was for me to take over one of their many titty sites.

When I arrived I was a bit shocked.  Instead of being some pretty office where girls posed for photos that would be instantly uploaded to the site,  I found a room that was more out of the movie Boiler Room.  It stunk of sweat, and there were a bunch of dudes at computer tables that had no chairs.  I sat in the kitchen for a bit watching people drink Red Bulls and eat gummy worms while I waited for the head of Editorial to meet with me.  It felt like hours (it was two minutes) before I was called in by Colin, the big cheese.  We bantered back and forth a bit while he tossed a football in the air.  I prayed to God he wouldn't throw it to me as I'm Jewish.  We touched upon some great stuff.  For one,  I should have done my homework as WWTDD.com is just one of many sites owned my Spin Media.  The Superficial is another.  Talk about my shot at greatness.  We discussed my speciality.  I said mockery.  He asked my dreams and aspirations.  I said to write on a sitcom.  He told me I was too old and white and would never be hired.  After that we talked a bit about nothing and he then told me he has 10,000 writers for celebrity mockery.  He needs me to have a niche.  I told him I could write obituaries.  What is my niche?  I talk out my ass half the time and would hardly call me an expert on anything.

At this point I just have to wait for one of the 10,000 current writers to die.  Then I get my chance in the sun.

My version of air quotes.  Only funny to two people.  One I stole it from.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

MANDOM

Before Brad Pitt advertised vending machines that sold used women's panties in Japan. And before Bill Murray was Lost and Translation.  There was a real American actor giving the Asian people what they wanted.  What they needed! I salute you Mr Bronson, for breaking new ground.  The world is a better place for you having made this.



Friday, August 23, 2013

Tom Sizemore would have made a great Batman!

There is nothing bat shit crazier than a die hard comic book fan.  Picture a 36 year old male, living at home with thousands of comics and toys covered in semen at the foot of his race car bed.  Spiderman sheets only changed when mom is allowed in the room on bath day.  And don't get me started on the cosplay.  Anyone know what it even is?   I assume it involves wearing underuse and getting kicked in the nuts.

Knowing these people are borderline homicidal, why would you fuck with the one thing that matters most to them?  Kill off a key character or hire a guy with downs to play Batman and you better watch your back.  I'm of course talking about the decision to have Ben Affleck toss on some Adam West left over sweaty tights.  It makes no sense.  I don't mind Ben Affleck.  He seems like a decent enough guy who was just dealt a bad hand in life.  Poor bastard can't outrun Jennifer Garner's flapping ears if he tried.  I mean I guess Argo was decent, but one good movie does not prepare oneself to be the dark knight detective.  Not since George Clooney stroked his nipples in the batman suit has there been such injustice to nerds everywhere.  I expect there to be riots in Gotham by nightfall.


Wednesday, August 21, 2013

WWTDD

So the other night I get an email from WWTDD.com asking what I was wearing.  It was a bit odd, but I went with it.  I was of course wearing a hefty lawn bag duct taped around my neck and penis.  It's the best way to lose water weight.  Next, Mr. WWTDD asked if there was any chance I was in New York or Los Angeles.  I said Los Angeles and got a a one word response of "Shit."  When I asked if that was the wrong answer, I was then requested to come into the LA office Friday.

There has been no explanation of why I've been summoned, but I naturally assume it's so they can strip me naked and circle my fat with sharpies just like mom used to do.  I can't wait!!


Fast as shit

I'm not really sure where the expression fast as shit came from.  I would think that everyone shits at their own pace.  Some slow and methodical, some quick with a lot of crying.   I guess what I'm getting at is my new MacBook Air is fast as shit after a night of eating rotten indian food and binge drinking.  I love it so! I may get it a case made of naan.