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P.S. discretion is advised.

Shit my dad doesn't say

People have been talking about Shit My Dad Says for weeks. I have had no real interest in it because I know it is some douche who looks like me and sounds like me sitting in a cube making this shit up when he should be doing his real job. If that wasn't bad enough I just heard that ABC picked up Shit My Dad Says as a TV show. In reality my dad had some great shit to say that could clearly have been made into a TV show. For example he used to call my mom's Toyota Corolla "the lumumba wagon." I never knew why. Another interesting thing my father used to say was that black people were shamsters. To this day I have no idea what he meant or even if it's derogatory, but I can tell you this, I think I just came up with a new show for NBC. The Shamsters featuring the lumumba wagon, the talking corolla. I need an agent.

*I just looked up shamster and it turns out it is derogatory. All this time I thought he was just slurring hamster.
**Don't be mad at my father, he is dead.

My brother is a piece of shit

I know it might sound harsh but it is true. He finally pushed me over the edge. You see, my brother is capable of some horrible things. If you get to know him you realize he hates people, is stubborn, and quite possibly only cares about himself. Interestingly none of this has ever bothered me. I guess I just accepted him for the animal he was. I mean we are all animals in our own right. The other night he texts me that he is eating at his favorite pizza place (actually eating a pie in his car like a savage) and that with his margarita pizza pie he is enjoying a diet coke with lime. At first I thought he was joking. What type of man would drink a diet coke? Then I thought maybe the phone was stolen, but based on the conversation I knew that was only wishful thinking. He was actually sitting behind the wheel of his car sipping a diet coke through a tiny straw. I am imagining the Ahhhhhhhh sound came out of his mouth at one point or another before he finished it. He finally has gone off the deep end. I understand diet coke is an acquired taste for fat men and cat ladies alike, but I don't understand how a normal man can go 36 years drinking regular coke and suddenly make the switch to that aspartame shit. It is like he did it purposely to hurt me. There is no logic behind it. My brain is full of so much rage and disappointment. So with that said until my brother makes a formal apology for giving up the sweet nectar that is coke classic and renounces diet coke he is dead to me.
Not my brother

No new ideas - Enter the Ninjew

Last night an Asian and I were talking about typical nonsense. Why are we not rich? Why don't we have nice cars? Why are we Jews and Asians respectively? We ended up talking about selling real estate and then Enter the Dragon came on TV. Naturally, the conversation morphed into how I wanted a claw hand and Kareem Abdul Jabbar to be my sidekick as I sold real estate to Persians in Beverly Hills. Well my crafty Chinese friend told me I should write a movie called Enter the Ninjew about a Jewish Ninja who throws stars of David and has a yarmulke that also can be used as a flying disc of death. This is pure genius. Sadly when I did a Google search on Jewish ninjas there were over two million results. How is that even possible?

All Jews want to know kung fu hence yellow fever.

I got mugged

So last night I got mugged while sleeping. I was having this dream where this guy offers me a cup of coffee outside some mall when out of nowhere he tries to put me in a sleeper hold to steal my watch. Now either he was a really bad thief or I have a thick neck because I never fell asleep. All I did was scream over and over again don't take my watch. The point of the story is how lame is it that I got mugged in my dream. Your dreams are supposed to be a place where you bang super models and shoot lasers out of your eyes. Not a place where you beg muggers to not steal your watch. Tonight I am going to dream about karate lessons for the next time I get mugged. Oh, and hopefully dream of banging super models.

I have AIDs

I haven't been writing lately because I have been crazy distraught. You see, I was recently diagnosed with full blown AIDs. I'm not talking about that simple Magic Johnson crap either. I got sores that make me look like an extra from Pappillon. As you can imagine it has made my desire to write really fall off. Most of the time I can't even lift my hands to type so I figured the blog would just die a quick death like the one I am hoping to have. Nah I am just kidding! I haven't posted because I have been really lazy. Good news, my writing just got a full dose of AZT. I'm back and healthier than ever!!!!

I apologize to all of my readers with AIDs that I might have offended with this post.

Swine Flue Vaccine - I am legend 2

This is the first year I have ever gotten a flu shot. I was shopping in CVS when I saw a line forming toward the back of the store. I had no clue what it was for but I figured the best it could be was a line for blow jobs. The worst it could be was me giving them. Anyway I got a flu shot and have had no adverse reactions. Now I hear all this talk about how everyone needs a swine flu shot. I have read nothing on the subject but I did hear from a local homeless man that there hasn't been enough testing and there is a chance it could fuck my shit up. Based on that bit of information, I am saying there is a 50/50 chance that anyone who gets it will turn into a zombie. I don't like those odds. Have you seen I am Legend? I don't know any black doctors so I doubt we will ever find a cure.

The cameo in Zombieland is Bill Murray