Sunday, February 10, 2013

How to make money at Toys R Us

I've decided to take a crack at my memoirs, tentatively titled,  Fuck You, Portnoy.  It's about time I shared my story with the world.  Here is an excerpt:

When I turned seven, my mother decided a good way to earn some extra cash was to throw me a birthday party.  The con went something like this;

  • Invite a bunch of kids over for a "birthday" party.  
  • Make sure no one is allowed in the house without giving me some sort of a gift. The bigger the box the better.  Bonds will not be accepted.  
  • Stick one old Hannukah candle in a Entenmann's cookie.  
  • Have me blow the candle out ten minutes into the party.  
  • Tell all the guests my brother has diarrhea so they will leave.
  • Throw all the gifts in the trunk of the Corolla.  Leave the drum that some neighbor gave as a present in the house.
  • Drive to the Toys R Us on Route 4 in Paramus.  
  • Ask to speak to the manager.  Tell said manager that you bought all the items the day before, but you lost your receipt and you have to have cash back.  A store credit is unacceptable.  
  • Count your earnings as you walk out of the store.
  • Regift the drum to Jake on his birthday because you're mad his mom is a Shiksa and she stole a good Jewish man.  The beat of the drum will teach her.
Actual video of my mom robbing the store.

Stay tuned for more dysfunctional stories.

1 comment:

COL said...

did she really return your presents for cash?