Sunday, February 10, 2013

How to make money at Toys R Us

I've decided to take a crack at my memoirs, tentatively titled,  Fuck You, Portnoy.  It's about time I shared my story with the world.  Here is an excerpt:

When I turned seven, my mother decided a good way to earn some extra cash was to throw me a birthday party.  The con went something like this;

  • Invite a bunch of kids over for a "birthday" party.  
  • Make sure no one is allowed in the house without giving me some sort of a gift. The bigger the box the better.  Bonds will not be accepted.  
  • Stick one old Hannukah candle in a Entenmann's cookie.  
  • Have me blow the candle out ten minutes into the party.  
  • Tell all the guests my brother has diarrhea so they will leave.
  • Throw all the gifts in the trunk of the Corolla.  Leave the drum that some neighbor gave as a present in the house.
  • Drive to the Toys R Us on Route 4 in Paramus.  
  • Ask to speak to the manager.  Tell said manager that you bought all the items the day before, but you lost your receipt and you have to have cash back.  A store credit is unacceptable.  
  • Count your earnings as you walk out of the store.
  • Regift the drum to Jake on his birthday because you're mad his mom is a Shiksa and she stole a good Jewish man.  The beat of the drum will teach her.
Actual video of my mom robbing the store.

Stay tuned for more dysfunctional stories.


COL said...

did she really return your presents for cash?

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